Dearest Jerk Face

Jerk Face:

My best guess is, you are an unwashed, mid-30 year old man, who lives in his mother’s basement and plays videogames all day. I imagine that you don’t have all of your teeth and that your skin is translucently pale because people hate you, so you always stay downstairs. In my brain you are a bumbling fool who has a tiny head, a fat wobbly neck, chubby arms, a protruding belly and pudgy legs. You smell like the definition of miserable. You’re also the piece of garbage who stole our debit card number and went shopping. Did I mention I don’t like you?

teal credit card digits close-up

Our bank, Helpful Bank, emailed me on Sunday morning at around 4:30 to tell me that suspicious activity was going on. I tried to log into our account, but all account management had been suspended. Helpful Bank’s customer service line was not open and their telephone tree was confusing as hell, so I hung up. I mistakenly thought our two trips to buy mulch at Super Store, Inc. had set off our new Jack Ass Monitoring. I had my head in the clouds.


Later on Sunday in the afternoon Helpful Bank called me and I was absolutely stunned at what had happened. On Saturday night, while we slept, Jerk Face, you were at home in Mom’s basement shopping. First you spent $1.00 at and then you spent $1.43 at and then you decided to go all out and spent $1,600 at While you stuffed your face with Cheesy Poofs and spent our money, however, Helpful Bank was on the case.

cheesy poofs

Helpful Bank has a fraud prevention program that monitors our accounts and notices weird behavior and the purchases that you made, Jerk Face, were a little weird. Your largest purchase was instantly reversed because Helpful Bank, like me, doesn’t like you. Your smaller purchases, however, I have to dispute. It may seem a little petty that I am disputing $2.43, but Jerk Face I am simply that angry. Not only am I without a debit card for a week, but everything that is tied to our debit card has to be re-tied.

The weird part about this whole situation is that I still have my stupid debit card safely tucked away in my wallet, plus we have a secure pin and an 18 digit alphanumeric password for our online banking. So, Jerk Face, I’m not sure where you got my debit card number, but I have a feeling we even live in the same community together. Derp. Going forward we are going to use our debit cards, but we are going to modify our behavior. Here is a list of the things we will be doing so that you and your friends will never be able to dupe us again:


  1. We will continue to take full advantage of Helpful Bank’s free security features and monitoring. They monitor our accounts 24 hours a day and advise us when something seems off.
  2. We will continue to use secure passwords and pin numbers. We use software called Splash ID that makes creating and saving passwords and usernames a cinch.
  3. We will be doing better personal account monitoring. The first thing we do when we wake up and the last thing we do before we go to sleep will be to check on our finances. We work hard for our money, so we should keep a close eye on it.
  4. We will be using our pin numbers religiously on all transactions, so our bank is accustomed to seeing our transactions with pin numbers, only. Jerk Face, you don’t know our pin numbers.

As big of a pain as this whole situation is, our debit cards will be replaced and our accounts will be sorted out. Thankfully Helpful Bank will continue to monitor our accounts and they provide us with a zero liability policy for anything you might steal from us Jerk Face. Our lives will move forward, our money will continue to grow, but in my mind you will be a pale, unhappy, overweight man who lives in his Mom’s basement forever. 

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